Donald Trump today announced that the United States would henceforth be called New Russia.
“America—named after some Dago loser that nobody even remembers. It’s time this country had a title reflecting greatness and mightiness. Russia is the biggest country anyone has ever seen. It’s yuge!
“Once we own Canada, Greenland, and Cuba, we’ll need a new name reflecting our beautiful brand new empire,” he continued. “Why not now? Why not New Russia?”
An executive order commands that all federal agencies immediately implement the name change. The cost is uncertain, but likely to run into the billions.
The American eagle, featured on the Great Seal and used as an emblem throughout the federal government, will be given a second head. “Two heads are better than one,” said Secretary of State Marco Rubio.
Fortunately, no change is needed to the red, white, and blue color scheme shared by the flags of both New and Mother Russia.
Tucker Carlson was quick to endorse the move. “We should only wish we had Russia’s quality of life, with an abundance of food, stunning apartment blocks, and a fearsome military,” he said. “It’s one nation where European culture reflects the prowess of White ethnicity, uncorrupted by less advanced people from the Global South.” Asked if New Russia should imitate the old country by expanding mass transit, he disagreed. “Trains are for cucks,” he replied.
Congressional leaders were relatively unfazed by the name change. “This is a distraction,” said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. “We’re focused on affordability. To that end, we are proposing a 0.5 percent sales-tax deduction for working families making under $100,000 a year.” Asked if the U.S. Congress would now be known as the N.R. Congress, Jeffries replied, “For now, we’re sticking with just ‘Congress.’”
Russian strongman Vladimir Putin celebrated the change and announced a gift of precious amber to convert the White House’s Red Room into an Amber Room. “We appreciate this tribute from a fellow superpower that is fast becoming our trusted ally,” said a spokesman.
In a diner in Toledo, Ohio, customers seemed nonchalant about the name change. “Russia, America, what’s the difference?” said Buddy Andersen, a pipefitter. “We both got government thugs gassing and killing protesters. We both got a Gulag. Maybe fuel prices will start to come down.”
Vice President J.D. Vance emphasized there would be no change in the form of government. “We will continue with one-man rule as we have for the past two years,” said Vance, whom some administration operatives have nicknamed “Medvedev.” He then stunned reporters by announcing his conversion from Catholic to Russian Orthodox.
Simon Blanck, professor of international relations at soon-to-be-renamed American University, stated, “Just like Russia, our country has embarked on a costly war it can neither win nor withdraw from. So this name change is sadly appropriate.”
American Eagle Outfitters announced a name change to New Russian Eagle Outfitters and will begin offering fur-trimmed jackets and other winter wear in selected shops.
Google, unsurprisingly, immediately updated its Maps to reflect the name change.
The N.R. president also announced he would resume producing vodka under the Trump brand. Its slogan: “Taste the Russian influence.”
Looking at California
The Secretary answers questions from ICE agents
“This is satire. Leaves of Oak” © MMXXVI Lindsey D. Eck. All rights reserved.
Articles may not be republished in any medium, including reuploading to the Web, without permission.