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23 December 2006
Free Charlie Rose!

Give generously or you’ll never see him again

Hi, this is Dr. Wayne Dyer. I hope you enjoyed Inspriration—Your Ultimate Calling the first time you saw it here on PBS. And the second time. But let’s face it. By now you’ve got it memorized and you’re wondering where Frontline went. So this is just a reminder that we’re fundraising this month—and we urge you to show your local station your generous support.

This is Peter Blank. I’m station manager here at KZZZ 27. We know you appreciate fine programming on PBS such as American Masters and Nova. I’m here to tell you that if you don’t give generously you’ll never see those shows again. Instead we’ll make you suffer through Celtic Woman every night of the week.

Hi, I used to be K.C. with the Sunshine Band. I still love that funky music. But we know most PBS listeners still think disco sucks. That’s why we keep rerunning our special presentation of aging funk artists—to remind you of what you’re in for if you don’t support your local station.

And I'm Willie Nelson, who launched Austin City Limits back in the 1970s. It’s still on the air. But not tonight. Tonight they showed Il Divo instead. So if you want to get this nasty-ass Simon Cowell [bleep] off the air and bring back the good, honest American music ACL is known for, please give now! Or next it’ll be Tosca. Now here’s Charlie Rose.

Hello. I’d like nothing better than to continue bringing you interviews with Middle East leaders, film directors, bestselling authors, and political figures of all sorts. I’ll bet you were looking forward to staying up and catching my show tonight. Then you realized it’s PBS fundraising season. So instead you’ll be treated to aerial views of Sicily with insipid electronic music. There’s only one way to make them stop. Please—give generously.

I’m Lawrence Welk. My image has been resurrected through the miracle of television so I can remind you that not everything on PBS is watchable even when they’re not fundraising. Not only do you get my 30-year-old reruns, you get 15-year-old BBC comedies and Warplane. Just a reminder of what PBS has in store if you don’t give them enough to underwrite Ken Burns films.

Peter Blank again. For those who give just a dollar a day, we’ve got a special offer. That’s right, for $365 or more you can own a DVD of a week’s regular PBS programming. Catch up on all the shows you would have seen if we weren’t fundraising! That’s Antiques Roadshow, Nature, Masterpiece Theatre—a whole week of quality PBS television you’ll never see if you don’t give now.

So back to Wayne Dyer who has a special incentive for you to give. His daughter’s going to sing for us!

Turn over another new leaf:
27 October 2006
Student Council

The grownups won’t let us vote on the big questions

9 August 2006
Joe Bye-Bye-A

A few lines on Lieberman’s defeat, with apologies to Hank

28 July 2006
SUVs for the Homeless

How to recycle your obsolete behemoth

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