DR. LAURA: Madonna, welcome to the program. Is that Madonna, like the pop singer?
MADONNA: Well, I am the pop singer.
DR. LAURA: [Pause.] I see. Well, how can I help you?
MADONNA: Well, Dr. Laura, here’s the deal. I’ve been getting into the Kabbala, as you may know, and since you converted to Judaism yourself, and since your mom was Italian —
DR. LAURA: Let’s just leave my mother out of this, okay?
MADONNA: Yes, well, okay, I’m just so attracted to the Kabbala because of its relation to the occult and what it has to say about female sexuality, and I wanted to ask your advice because, you know, we’re kind of similar.
DR. LAURA: Similar? In what way?
MADONNA: Well, we’re both Italian, we’re both known as outspoken female media personalities, and we’ve both been unashamed of using our sensuality to get what we want in the entertainment biz.
DR. LAURA: I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.
MADONNA: I’m talking about those wide-open photos you had taken by Bill Ballance. I mean, those were really hot! Great curves! When I saw them, I got so excited it made me want to —
[sudden, unplanned station break]
DR. LAURA: Okay, I’m Doctor Laura and we’re back, talking to Madonna. Now, listen, Madonna, my listeners would be disappointed if I failed to point out that I consider you a bit of a skank. But no need to thank me for that. What is your question for me today?
MADONNA: As you may know, I’ve been studying Kabbala for the past few years. It’s very punk rock! But I’m not sure whether I should convert to Judaism or not. I know conversion was a wonderful experience for you. Can you talk about how enriching and empowering it is being Jewish?
DR. LAURA: Actually, I guess you’re not a frequent listener, because I’ve been reconsidering my attachment to Judaism over the past few years.
MADONNA: But aren’t you intrigued by the occult aspects of the Kabbala and the way it endorses women’s superior spirituality?
DR. LAURA: No, I’m more turned on by the Ten Commandments and the way they encourage our gracious submission to a Higher Power. And my advice for you, young lady, is to stop flaunting your body all over the world and spend more time with your kidlets. Remember them?
MADONNA: Oh, but little Lourdes and Rocco are always with me on tour and the movie sets. Why, Lourdes was even backstage at the MTV awards — you know, where Britney and Cristina and I —
DR. LAURA: Yes, we know what you did at the awards.
MADONNA: I’m completely committed to being a role model for kids and teaching them about the occult power of the Kabbala. That’s why I wrote The English Roses — so I could influence children in a spiritual way. Kind of like what you did with Where’s God? Perhaps you’d like to add my kids’ books to Dr. Laura’s Reading Corner.
DR. LAURA: I don’t know if that’s appropriate.
MADONNA: I’ll cut you in for ten percent.
DR. LAURA: Hmmm, maybe we could work something out. Stay on the line when I let you go and talk to my producer. As far as converting goes: Keeping kosher and not touching light switches on the Sabbath and all that is just too much work. I say, stay Christian and just select the parts of Judaism that work for you. For me, that means the Ten Commandments. For you, Kabbala.
MADONNA: But what does God want?
DR. LAURA: God wants you to spend lots of time with those bunchkins of yours. I’m Dr. Laura reminding you: Go do the right thing!
Not everyone loved Ronnie.
Denver should want to be less like Austin.
“Leaves of Oak” © MMIV Lindsey D. Eck. All rights reserved.
Articles may not be republished in any medium, including reuploading to the Web, without permission.